Loving yourself doesn’t mean your lose your insecurities. It means finding what you really want and not settling for less than that anymore

I remember when I first starting getting into self-development. I could really see that the way I had been operating and the experiences that I kept repeatedly calling into my life were negative, and I wanted to figure out exactly how to become someone that I could rely and trust on. Someone who wouldn’t make those decisions. Someone who could become healthy and fit and stick to it. Someone who could stand their ground and speak up even if it meant rocking the boat and causing conflict with another. (Because I. could. not. stand. conflict) But it goes deeper than that. I wanted everyone to like me, and so really I didn’t want to put their like for me in jeopardy by getting into an altercation with them. Ahh, what a limiting way to live. I was tired of being attracted to men who could not give me the love that I desired to have, the love that I myself had inside of me to give someone else. It’s like every single dream I had seemed far away and distant, and yet they all weren’t unachievable dreams.. I could see others getting them easily every day. Yet every single time I tried to achieve them, I would end up failing and backtracking. And so, I would read all of this material on self-love. It would say, “Love yourself, and then love will come to you”. It would give you constant reminders to love yourself. Some material suggested standing in front […]

I am DONE with ‘Later’

  Warning: This is a rant. But I have to get it out.  The “later” trap. We’ve all been there. Or,to use a more common term, procrastination. Procrastination can take place in any area of our lives. We relate it mostly to procrastinating with study, paperwork, and things that we have a deadline for. But right now I am going to focus on other areas we tend to procrastinate without even realising. Areas in life that we constantly give excuses to ourselves for and never really change. Perhaps this area of life is fitness: becoming a healthier version of yourself. Or perhaps it is finding the willingness to better yourself and find your purpose or a career path. Perhaps it is reconciling a relationship with someone important that went downhill, or saving enough money to go on that world trip you’ve always dreamed of.  All of these things have one thing in common, and that is that we have an ideal in our minds of how we want things to be, and we think about it every so often, maybe even put in a bit of effort to try to get there, and of course quickly fall back into our same old routines after realising it’s “too hard”.  We give ourselves excuse after excuse not to better ourselves. All we are doing is making ourselves a victim. And that, is where we go wrong. We blame outer circumstances for not being able to reach where we WANT to be. We blame society and the large […]

WE NEED TO STOP COMPARING

I find that there is an intense pressure on most of us, at almost every point in our lives. Both internal pressures and external pressures. I am in my twenties, so I could write about and target my age group and whine about how much pressure is on us to ‘have our shit together’. But, after having long and extensive conversations with people much younger than me and also much, much older than me, I have come to the conclusion that RARELY do any of us REALLY have our shit together. Sure, on paper, on social media, in articles, some people really seem to have it all together. We look at those people and we envy them, wishing that we could find it in ourselves to know exactly what it is that we want to do and be able to pursue it and achieve it just like all of these other people have. But, most of those other people that we are observing and envying are in the same exact boat. They are in this perceivably great situation, with all of these wonderful achievemenets, and still, if you were to ask them, and they were to be completely honest, I bet most would have to admit that they aren’t quite fulfilled yet. They aren’t quite where they want to be. They aren’t quite happy. They are far from ‘perfect’, and they face many personal issues and obstacles in life themselves. And we, well, we are shocked! And it probably makes […]

People Pleasing

“I lost myself trying to please everyone else, now I’m losing everyone else trying to find myself.” -Unknown I can’t tell you how many years I was being held back by the amount of energy I spent on trying to please other people.  And I will be the first to admit, it wasn’t in a good way.  I was doing a lot to try to stay on everyones good side. I did what I could to get people to like me and to think I was special.  The whole point is, I was trying. And unnecessarily so. When I was in my late teens/early twenties, I had a LOT of friends. All of my friends were from different groups and different walks of life. I always prided myself on my ability to get along with absolutely anyone, in fact I still do, but back then I was spreading myself too thin.  Back then I never really asked myself if I really valued the friendship of the people I was spending so much time and energy on. I never sat back and evaluated what they brought to the table. I never really asked myself, “Do I even like this person?”, “Do I even enjoy their company in the slightest?”.  Of course I  didn’t, because I was too busy trying to stay on their good side, I was too busy looking for approval in order to feel good about myself. So many of us go through this stage in life, the seeking […]

Follow What You Feel Is Right

  We all talk about trusting our inner voice, right?  But how many times have we listened to the opinion of others over our own intuition, assuming that we are just being silly or overstepping some imaginary boundary? When we truly feel like something is right- perhaps a new walk of life, or a new hobby that we have always wanted to try, and we ask the opinion of our family, friends, or coworkers, are we truly asking them because we value their opinion? Or because we want them to agree with us and therefore provide validation that we were thinking on the right path? So, we hand our power over to someone else.  And what if they do not agree with something that you want to do or have done?  What if they don’t approve, or they belittle what you have come to them with? You start to question yourself, right?  You start to wonder whether you are truly doing the right thing.  Because someone else has given you an alternate opinion, you doubt your own inner voice. People are ALWAYS going to have different opinions, beliefs, and tastes in life.  That is what makes this world so incredibly diverse.  It is what makes it such an interesting and beautiful place.  So OF COURSE there are going to be some people who don’t agree with what you want to do, or have done.  But what does that matter? If we truly feel that something is right for us, and […]

Love: Absent Of Analysis

  Falling in Love, real Love, is absent of the illusion of control. When I fall in Love, real Love, I want to be in a state of mind where I forget to think, or analyze. Each and every one of us are different, but there are many people who share the same internal issue that I have, and that is the curse of an overactive mind, often weighed down with thoughts of insecurity, or wondering what the other person thinks. I see that the older one gets, the more they can either grow and change, or remain even more stuck in their old ways. So being young, and afraid of not living these beautiful years to the fullest, I want to pull myself out of such a toxic way of thinking. But it is not that easy. I have met many different people within the last few years. People who have taught me a great deal about myself and about the minds of other people.  People from completely different backgrounds and walks of life. Many have intrigued me, but sooner than I could snap my fingers, the interest was gone. Just like that. I feel as though the reason is that my mind is a constant contradiction.  One part of me is a hopeless romantic, who believes in ‘the one’, and in someone who I can connect with on every level. That part of me refuses to settle for anything less. But then there is an equally strong side, […]

Fear of rejection

  “Between what is said and not meant And what is meant and not said Most love is lost” -Khalil Gibran   This quote means so much in such few words. So much of our lives we spend holding what’s REAL, back. If we feel strongly for someone, we try to make it seem like they are no big deal. We try to act cool, calm, collected, and unaffected by them, when really, on the inside, our heart beats faster when the mere thought of them arises. When we are offended by something someone says, we usually try to pass it off like we don’t give a damn, as if nothing they say could possibly affect us. When we are truly excited about something, we hold it back because we don’t want to appear foolish, childlike, or vulnerable. Our interactions and the way we project ourselves become so mundane, and all to fit the picture of ‘unaffected’ and ‘strong’ and ‘independent’. Where is the life in that, though? How many times have we looked back and regretted not saying how we truly felt.  How many times have we felt rejected only to put an even higher wall up around ourselves the older we get.  And we witness the effects of not living our truth.  How many older people do you see with permanent frowns, seemingly angry at the world and everyone around them, but really just angry with themselves. That is what I truly fear, out of everything, even more […]

Focusing your way out of a paradox

Sometimes, I feel like my entire personality, and all that makes me me, is a paradox. No, scratch that.  ALL of the time. See, there are so many sides to me that I am still discovering. But I find that I am constantly being pulled into two directions, and here they are. Inside myself I feel this radiance; I feel that there is so much to give and so much to be set free. I feel that if people could only see who I truly am inside, that they would never underestimate me again. I feel that I can do anything I set my mind to, and even though I respect and care for others, I hold myself in higher regard, always. But then, there is an equally huge part of me that believes that I am kidding myself.  It believes that I am going to mess everything I set out to do, up.  It believes that I couldn’t possibly be the right one for the job, and it always holds other in much higher esteem over my own self. Now see, I have observed that often people lean towards one side of these two very separate internal worlds.  Which one always varies, but there is always a slight or severe leaning to one of them. I have this internal battle waging inside of me constantly, twenty four seven. And each side is just as powerful, or so I feel.  It makes making decisions extremely hard. It makes trusting myself […]

Understanding ourselves through others

  Mirroring.     We can deny this all we want, but it seems that we define ourselves through the eyes of others.  Deep down, in our thoughts, we have some sense of who we are.  We have our own opinions, memories, and moral beliefs that sprout from our own unique experiences.  But in day to day life, our opinions and our perception of ourselves are always relating to how others respond to us.  We take note of every little reaction that we get, and whether we define a reaction as positive or negative, we still use it to define the person we project to the outer world, to those around us. So of course it is going to be extremely hard ‘not to care about what anyone else thinks’.  Because we are programmed to understand ourselves through other peoples perception of us.  We cannot physically experience ourselves outside of ourselves, but others can. How many times have we questioned ourselves, wondered things like, ‘Hey, wait a minute..am I really too..?’ We alter our behavior in accordance to the reaction we receive from other people.  Our entire lives and our personal growth all depend on human interaction. Without connection, without relationships, without interaction with fellow human beings, where is the opportunity for growth? When I started writing this, I didn’t really have a point in mind, it was just a small idea that struck me, and I know that when I write, everything starts to flow in a way that […]

Vulnerability has a bad rep

If there is one thing that frustrates me endlessly, it is the struggle to let myself be vulnerable.   I think so many of us can identify with this feeling, because most of the time, we live life with these walls surrounding us. Walls that vary in thickness and height. Walls that are there for our so called ‘protection’, but walls that hinder us from really, truly experiencing things wholeheartedly.  Walls that cheapen connections with those around us. Walls that come from experiencing hurt, rejection, and embarrassment. And many of us are completely unaware that we have them. We are so afraid to be vulnerable.  We are convinced that it is us against the world, and that we have to be strong and portray this image of invincibility.  We don’t want people to think that they can get to us, that they can hurt us.  We have all of these insecurities that we hold within us, that plague our thoughts, but we rarely tell anyone.  Our actions tell them, though. Every single one of us is insecure about something. I don’t care who is out there claiming that they have no insecurities, I find that extremely hard to believe. We are told all the time to let go of these insecurities, but doesn’t that seem like an impossible task? There is something someone told me a few days ago that really got me thinking.  He explained to me that insecurities never really go away, you just learn to do things, […]

Don’t be afraid of silence

Why are we so afraid of silence? Why do we automatically define it as ‘awkward’? It is probably the only genuine part of many conversations. One thing I have noticed as I progress further in life is how fake so many of our daily conversations are.  Small talk, polite chit-chat, whatever you want to call it, it stems from an in-genuine place.  It feels obligatory. It is, after all, how we function in today’s society.  And it quite often spreads into more personal interactions such as relationships with acquaintances and friends, sometimes even family.  We carry on so many conversations that do not come from the heart, in which we really have no personal interest whatsoever in, yet we do it anyway because it is the normal thing to do. Being a part of today’s society means that we have to partake in these daily interactions. If you have ever worked in customer service, you know what this is all about. We are all pretty used to it by now, so it is not all bad, and there is no sense in constantly complaining about it.  But when we let these fake interactions weasel their way into our personal relationships, relationships that are close to our hearts.. Then we have trouble. We are so quick to try to ignore an awkward silence.  We are so quick to try to cover it up because that is the worst thing possible, right? For things to be awkward. Let’s say two people are […]

Rebel against your thoughts

  This quote spoke to me on so many levels today.   “I’m in full rebellion against my own mind”   How many times have our doubts, which are ultimately thoughts, held us back from something?  Perhaps we have missed many opportunities because of this, and we even convince ourselves- with more thoughts, that we were better off, anyway. But still, isn’t there a sense of sheer fun, freedom, and a hint of rebellion when we ignore our logical side and do something anyway?  Even if it is something that didn’t end up working out the way we’d hoped, these decisions or acts of impulse are usually the ones that we learn the most about ourselves from. They are lessons in disguise, we just have to find the guts to move forward and experience them!   I am not saying that we should ignore our thoughts completely, for thoughts are there to help us survive, they are there to ignite fear in harmful situations, and to try to guide us according to what we have already experienced. Thoughts aren’t the enemy, there really IS no enemy, just a perception of it. Thoughts only do what they are intended to do, so we need not hate them for that.  But somewhere along the line, we placed all of our trust into our thoughts, thinking that thoughts are who we are, and that is not the way to live a wonderfully fulfilling life.  It is sign of imbalance.  I think that my […]

When we lose ourselves

‘Being yourself’ seems like such a simple concept.  Be who you are, do and say as you feel… But how do we know who we are?  If we try to over-think this, we almost always get it wrong. Being yourself IS actually quite simple.  It just means BEING and not ACTING.  As with everything, there is a balance.  In order to live a life without chaos, we have to learn what to say and what not to say in certain situations, so one can argue that we cannot ALWAYS be ourselves.  But I am talking about the situations that are closest to our heart. Situations that are close to our heart are usually the situations in which we tend to find ourselves disappointed and let down.  We then usually start blaming ourselves, or blaming those who are involved.  We start thinking of things that we could or ‘should’ have done differently.  We look back and cringe at things that we find embarrassing that we said or did.  We analyze the behavior of others and try to figure them out based on nothing but pure assumption.  We trick ourselves.  And as a result, we go back and forth and back and forth in our minds when the truth is really quite simple. Usually, we go about the things that mean most to us in a really logical and strategic way. Because they mean a lot to us, we are fearful of losing whatever it is.  A job, the affection of someone, a relationship, […]

self worth and expectations

How many times do we find ourselves consciously or unconsciously putting our self-worth into the hands of another?  Perhaps we have an image in our minds of how we want someone to respond to us, and when they don’t, we immediately question what is wrong with US, and what did WE do wrong.  But that is the whole problem! We had an expectation in our minds, unconsciously feeling the need to control the behavior of another person (which is impossible, as we ourselves are the only one who we can change). Our expectations are based upon our history, our ideals, and how we think behavior should be conducted.  Our expectations come from our dreams, fantasies, past heartbreak, and advice that we receive from others.  But see? All of that is based upon our OWN filter.  Our life, not theirs.  Just because someone doesn’t respond to you the way that you WANT or EXPECT them to, doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you or love you, sometimes it means that they just have their own way of showing it.  But of course, we instantly jump to that conclusion or to a similar one because in our minds, or our filters, this is the only available option if they don’t comply with our expectations of them. This is why couples break up, and relationships never get the chance to be formed.  This is my why friendships suffer, and family interactions get hard.  Well, it’s not the ONLY reason, but it plays […]

Heaven knows you’re a dreamer

  ‘Heaven knows you’re a dreamer, don’t hide it from anyone’- lyrics from a song that just stuck in my head and stayed with me.   So many of us are dreamers, and so many of us hide it.  But this part of ourselves that we tend to hide underneath the mask of what we consider to be ‘normal’, this part is the most beautiful part.  This part is where our creativity springs from, this part is how the soul speaks through us to the rest of the world.  This is the UNIQUE part of us, the part of us that leads us toward our passion, our purpose.  This beautiful part of us, no matter how eccentric, or seemingly weird- should NEVER be hidden.  It should NEVER make us feel ashamed.  

A fire burns within her
A Love Song
We sabotage ourselves

How many times in our lives have we grown attached to something or someone, only to have it or them slip right out of our grasp?  That feeling of contentment that we so fleetingly enjoyed passed from right under our noses.  And why?  Because we only allow a second of contentment; of actually enjoying what is in front of us, before we decide we want more of it. That’s the thing with us humans isn’t it?  We find something we like, we want more of it.  Our lives seem to be filled with such mediocrity and shallowness that when we do find something that makes our days brighter and makes our hearts beat faster, we desperately want it to stay.  And in that moment, we completely sabotage ourselves, because that is the moment we allow fear to control our actions.  The fear of losing whatever it is that we are enjoying.  For no longer are you in the state of appreciation and gratitude, but now you are in the state of wanting more, and scheming up ways to keep this in your life. The thing is, this major change in states goes unnoticed by most of us, especially when we are disconnected from ourselves. And so we go in circles.  Loving, and losing.  Loving, and losing.  Then we develop trust issues, and an overall negative outlook on the world.  We start to believe that all people are the same, and that that is just ‘how life is’.  And how sad […]